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We're Definitely Not the Cleavers

When I was a little girl and I played "house" and "mommy", I never imagined that my life would have turned out the way it has. I thought that I would be able to provide my children with the same wonderful and stable childhood that I experienced: family vacations and camping trips, dinner together every night, Mom and Dad there to tuck the kids in, etc.

So much of that doesn't happen at my house. Joe works in telecommunications. He works for a government contractor and because what he does is so top secret, I can't talk about it nor am I even really supposed to know all that much about it. Because of the nature of his job, the hours can get crazy. Much of the work can only be done during non-business hours, and he carries a pager for 1 week every 3 weeks. For that weekend, we are at the pager's mercy. We can't stray too far from the house because if it goes off, he will more than likely be heading to one of the sites where he does work. It goes off in the middle of the night, during the kids' bathtimes or bedtimes, during mealtimes, etc. Many nights, I am a single parent. Yesterday, I got up at 5:30, got to work at 7:00, worked all day, picked up the boys at 4:30, fed Ryan a bottle, made Ethan supper, fed Ryan his solids, thought about baths and immediately felt too tired to deal with them and thus dismissed the idea, got both boys in pj's, put Ryan to bed after another bottle, cleaned up toys, made scrambled eggs and cereal for supper, and tried desperately to get a load of laundry put away. Joe walked through the door after midnight.

I can't plan meals for the week because Joe's work schedule is never planned in advance. It never fails that when I go through the trouble of planning meals and making them, I am the only one home to eat them. I don't plan anything for after work because I need to take care of the boys. Each time I've tried to do something on a week night (like WW meetings), I end up giving it up because he doesn't come home on time to watch the boys. I make all my appointments for the weekend or I ask my Mom to watch the boys.

Do I think I am the only one with a husband who works crazy hours? Am I the only one who has to pull "single Mom duty"? Of course not. And I get that Joe's job is important. He makes good money and he is the primary breadwinner. He needs to work, and he is a very loyal employee, sometimes, I expect, to a fault. I just wish that our family didn't always come second best. Even Joe admitted that he feels like if his life were a pie, work would fill up 75%. I don't see that changing, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know the choices are limited. He can't quit. He is already keeping his eyes open for another position that may have more stable hours but still pays as well. So what do we do?

I know I need to make the best of the situation. I just worry about what it's doing to my boys. Ethan asks me almost every night if Daddy is going to be home early or late. Sometimes he doesn't ask about Daddy at all because he knows Daddy works all the time. I do the best I can, but I'm not Daddy.

I know there is no immediate solution. But venting helps.

Warning...Lots of Whining!

I was not at all surprised to find that the date of my last blog update was February 28th. Life has been so incredibly hectic; I have to admit that I knew that two children would be a lot of work, but I didn't realize that it would be quite so frazzling (is that even a word??)!

Joe has been working long hours and carrying a beeper much more often. That leads to some crazy days and nights for us. For a few weeks, he wasn't getting home until 10, 11, 12 at night which leaves me to pick up both kids from daycare after work, do dinner, bottles, baths, and bedtime by myself. By the time I do that, it's 8:30, and I still have laundry to do and the kids' bag to pack for daycare the next day. I am amazed at single mothers and how they can do this day after day with no help and no break. As you can imagine, Joe's work schedule and our lack of family time has led to quite a few, shall we say, "heated" discussions. I know he has to work because he is the primary breadwinner, but I am so tired of being alone and feeling like our family is coming in a very distant second place. We had a long talk over the weekend, and we're going to try to be more understanding of the other's situation, and try to work together instead of always trying to win the battle of "who has it harder?" I know things eventually have to get better, but I had a huge meltdown Friday night. Maybe we had to hit close to rock bottom in order for us to make things better...

Work has been crazy. I work for a government contractor at a training facility for first responders and emergency management officials. I am helping to plan a large (300+ attendees) conference being held here the first week of June. I've never done it before, and it's been quite a challenging experience along with all the stress at home.

The other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind is that I *think* my daycare provider might be pregnant. I have always known that she wanted to have another child (she has 1 son who is 2), but now I am freaking out about childcare for Ethan and Ryan. Even if she wants to continue to watch my boys, what will I do while she is out on maternity leave?? I have NO backup person at all. I would be forced to take FMLA to stay home with the boys until she was back on her feet. She hasn't come out and told us officially yet, but I am 90% sure that the big announcement is coming soon. Do I hope and pray that her pregnancy goes smoothly and she can watch the boys right up until she delivers? Do I try to find them somewhere else even though I love Miss Kelly and so do the boys? It was next to impossible to find Miss Kelly in the first place, and she is everything you want in a home daycare provider. She is sweet, smart, a former first grade teacher, lives a mile from my house, has a great schedule for the kids, and only takes 3 kids in addition to her own. My stomach is in knots about this, even though I can't do anything about it. I will just have to deal with things as they come, which is one thing that I am horrible at. I am an extreme worrier, to the point that this will probably keep me awake at night.

Any suggestions? What would you do in my situation?

Ethan is fully potty trained! We just started putting him in underwear at night though, and he's been dry for the past 3 nights! Go Ethan! We started trying to teach him to pee standing up, which is when we noticed that his pee goes upwards and sideways instead of down. His pediatrician said that his urethral opening is too narrow, and he referred us to a pediatric urologist. We have an appointment tomorrow morning. I'm sure that they will be able to diagnose the problem and recommend a solution to us (usually it requires a small surgical procedure).

He is the funniest child I've ever met (don't all parents think that about their children??) Here's some examples of some of our recent conversations:

Ethan kicks Miss Kelly's cat door

Joe: Ethan, you know you aren't supposed to do that...why did you do that?

Ethan: I don't know.

Joe: Don't do that again...you need to listen to Miss Kelly's rules.

Ethan: Just ignore me.

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Me: Ethan, stop jumping off the couch!

Ethan: I'm a kid, I'm supposed to do bad things.

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Me: Ethan, don't touch that cookie yet; you need to have lunch first.

Ethan reaches for cookie.

Me: ETHAN, do NOT touch that cookie...you need to eat lunch first.

Ethan grabs cookie, takes a bite and says "too late."

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Ryan is now 6 months and 3 weeks. He is such a laid-back, smiley, mellow baby. He seems to be hitting his milestones slower than Ethan, which I'm told is common for a second child. He rolls very well from back to front, but hasn't figured out how to roll from front to back. He is starting to sit up on his own pretty nicely as well. He smiles big all the time but he is very stingy with giggles and laughs; we have to really work to get those out of him. He is eating baby food 3x a day now and is down to only 3 bottles a day and a small bedtime bottle. At his 6-month checkup, he weighed 21 pounds, 3 ounces (OFF THE CHARTS!) and was 28 inches long (95th percentile). He is so much bigger than Ethan was; Ethan didn't weigh 21 pounds until a year old! Ryan is wearing all 9-month clothes and some 12-months. He's got the chubbiest cheeks and I've been told on many occasions that he looks just like a Gerber baby!

I need to get back to blogging on a regular basis...I think it would help my stress and anxiety to journal it. There is so much more to say, but I'll save it for another time. LUNCH is calling!!

The New Look

A HUGE thank you to Chelsea for my new blog design!!! Now I guess it's up to me to keep it updated (can't you do that for me too?)

Two is QUADRUPLE the work!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated my blog! How does 3 months go by in the blink of an eye?? So much has happened since my last post. I am going to try to get back into blogging more often, so this post will be an update.


Ryan will be 4 months old on Sunday. No, I'm NOT kidding...4 months already. To me, he looks less and less like Ethan the older he gets. He is also chunky while Ethan was always very scrawny. He isn't rolling over quite yet, but I am in no hurry for him to grow up. He's my last baby, and I want to savor each moment of his babyhood! He smiles with his entire face, and it just cracks me up. We have yet to hear any giggles, but he does squeal and squeak when he gets very excited. He has started to grab at toys and try to get them into his mouth. He absolutely loves his big brother and grins at him all the time.


Ethan just turned 3 and I swear that the 3's are WAY worse than the 2's. My brother tried to tell me and I didn't want to believe him, but he's right! We do a lot of time-outs and taking privileges away. We're also trying desperately to potty train him but we're having very little success. He has a stubborn streak a mile long (wonder WHERE he gets that from??). He is the most amazing little boy, and I stare at him in wonder sometimes. How did I get so blessed to have 2 healthy, adorable boys?

Ethan adjusted to the daycare situation like a champ! All that worrying and crying for nights on end, and he acted like it was NO PROBLEM! He loves Miss Kelly, and he seems to enjoy Ryan being there with him since I went back to work a month ago.

I have tons more updates to do on both Joe and I, and I also need to post my yearly "letter to Ethan on his birthday". I'm just too crazy busy (see the title of this post!)!

I'll try to be back soon!

I hope it's harder on me than it is on him...

I am having such a hard time with the idea of switching Ethan's daycare. On Sunday night, I sat down at the computer and typed up a letter to inform his current daycare center that Friday, November 30, is his last day. I cried...and cried...and cried. Ethan has been at KinderCare since he was 12 weeks old. The teachers there have become friends, and his current teacher even babysits for us from time to time. The opportunities for learning there are amazing, and he LOVES "school". He has a "best" friend in his class, and they play great together.

The problem is that Joe and I simply cannot afford to pay tuition for 2 kids there, especially since the infant care alone is $312 a WEEK! We found a great home daycare, where the provider is a former teacher. She only has 4 kids total so I know Ethan will get a lot of one-on-one attention. But will he miss having the opportunity to play with 11 other kids?? Will he miss that group atmosphere? How is he going to handle the transition? How in the world am I going to handle it? People keep telling me that kids are resilient and that he'll be fine, but my heart shatters into a million pieces when I think of the transition. I already told Joe that he has to pick Ethan up next Friday because I will just break down into tears cleaning out his cubby and saying goodbye to his teachers and the other kids. Oh crap...I'm crying now.

Someone who has been through this, please tell me it's going to be okay. I'm more worried about Ethan going to this new daycare than I am about Ryan. Ryan will only ever know Ms. Kelly and home daycare while Ethan is being thrown into an entirely different atmosphere. I know I've chosen the best possible home daycare provider, so why do I feel like I am doing something horrible to Ethan? I feel like he's going to be so sad and confused. Hell, I'm 32 and I feel sad and confused. An almost-3-year old does not understand that Mommy and Daddy can't afford for him to go to KinderCare anymore. The guilt of motherhood just seems never-ending to me.

A Long Overdue Welcome!!!

Welcome to the world Ryan Joseph! You made your arrival on Friday, November 2 at 2:40 a.m. (a night-owl like your brother who was born at 1:33 a.m.). You weighed 7 pounds, 6.5 ounces and were 19 and 3/4 inches long. Here's your birth story...

On Halloween, I went to my 38-week routine OB appointment. My doctor was running very late, and I ended up sitting on the exam table with nothing but the paper drape over my bottom half for about 40 minutes. As I was sitting there chatting with Joe, I felt a trickle of fluid. I had been putting a lot of pressure on my bladder and had always had some trouble during the pregnancy with urine leakage, so I didn't think twice about it (even when I got up and noticed a fairly good-sized wet spot on the exam table paper). The doctor came in and checked my cervix, scheduled my induction for November 8 (39 weeks), and I rushed out the door to go pick up Ethan at daycare to get him ready for trick-or-treating.

On Thursday morning (November 1), I headed out the door for my weekly perinatologist appointment and ultrasound. Baby looked great and was measuring nicely for 38 weeks. The u/s tech asked me if I had been leaking fluid, as the fluid was very low. Normal range for amniotic fluid is between 8 and 23. The week prior, my fluid had been at 16. At this exam, it was at 4.8. The doctor came in and I told him about my experience at the doctor's office the day before, and he and I both got a good laugh over the fact that my water had broken IN MY DOCTOR'S OFFICE ON THE EXAM TABLE, but I had not felt it important to mention it to my doctor! Of course, my next question was "what do we do about this?" He looked at me and said "you're having a baby today." He said that because my water had broken many hours ago, he was concerned about infection and that we needed to go ahead and get the baby out. He sent me right over to the hospital. Joe had gone to work (about 55 miles away), so I called him and told him to come to the hospital. I went home and got my hospital bag, called my mom to go with me until Joe could arrive, and off I went.

I was hooked up to some fluid in preparation for my epidural and also given some IV antibiotics. When I arrived at the hospital, I was a good 2-3 cm dilated and about 60% effaced. As I was waiting for my doctor to come in and discuss the best course of action, I was having some contractions on my own. My doctor ended up giving me pitocin to just speed things up and help me along. I got my epidural and quickly progressed. I was feeling some pressure at about 1:30 a.m. so I called the nurse to check me. She said I was 8 cm and it would probably be about 2 hours before I was ready to push. A few contractions later, and the pressure was absolutely unbearable and the urge to push was insane. I called the nurse back and she checked me and said "we need a doctor in here". She had me push with the very next contraction. A few more pushes and the baby's head was right there. Actually, the nurse was holding the baby's head in so that the doctor had time to get into the room and deliver Ryan. I pushed for 7 minutes total and Ryan was born, crying and wiggling all over! I did tear along my episiotomy scar from delivering Ethan and I required some stitches but the recovery has been much easier.

I have a ton more that I want to post, but life with 2 kids is so busy and full. I want to make sure that I capture Ryan's "babyhood" on my blog just like I was able to capture Ethan's. I will TRY to be back with an update this week!